HOW WOULD 80’S TEEN FLICKS WORK IN THE #METOO ERA ?

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80’s teen movies. I love them, and unless you’re dead inside, you do also. The other night I was talking about these beloved films when a question hit me. How would these films be received in this era of #MeToo?

Well, spoiler alert. John Hughes would probably be driven out of the country by a pitchfork and torch wielding mob. Why you ask? I’ll tell you why, with these examples:

Sixteen-Candles-Farmer-Ted-Moments-farmer-ted-2481043-1600-900.jpgSixteen Candles

Ok, I love this film. I remember when I was like 14, and sick at home with mononucleosis, aka the kissing disease 😉, I watched a couple films over and over and over again. Sixteen Candles was one of them. I mean, who can forget the heartwarming moment when high school stud Jake Ryan gave “king of the nerds” farmer Ted the keys to his dad’s Rolls Royce convertible! Along with his… passed out drunk girlfriend in exchange for newly sixteen-year old Samantha’s worn panties. So heartwar-WAIT. What the fuck?! It was a different world then. Really think about it. Would you rather have had your daughter date someone like Jake, or say, a real creep, like, say, Roy Moore? Exactly.


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Weird Science

This was the other film I watched all too often when I was sick at home, and another John Hughes winner. What could be weird about two teen boys creating a perfect woman by somehow placing a computer program in a Barbie doll they enlarge to a life size perfect woman? Admittedly, this film isn’t as bad as it sounds because although the boys at first, only look at their creation Lisa as a sexual object, they evolve to respecting her as her own person. Which oddly turns out to be a high school gym teacher. Sure, why not.


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Pretty in Pink

I have to admit that I never liked this John Hughes film. But I can still explain why this one is on the list- Blane. Blane sucks. Yeah, everyone focuses on how shitty Steff is. But no. Blane is practically hell on earth and is put up as the guy a girl should aspire to be with. Seriously, fuck you Blane.

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Revenge of the Nerds

But here’s some good news for John Hughes. He’s actually not the number one offender. That honor goes to super famous Jeff Kanew. Who? Kanew. That’s who.  The director of classic, Revenge of The Nerds. I genuinely loved this movie, and so did a lot of people. They laughed when the nerds broke into a sorority and set up hidden cameras to spy on the girls. And they really laughed, when at the end, the nerd takes off his mask to reveal the girl wasn’t having sex with the person she thought she was having sex with. Surprise! You’ve just been raped!  Luckily she took it quite well? I wonder if they would laugh now? Probably not because those scenes wouldn’t make it into any movie being written in 2017.

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Porky’s

And last but not least, we can’t forget Porky’s. But it’s name is fucking Porky’s. What do you think you’re getting?

So as you can see, there were some problematic films from back in the day. Luckily, they were only made for impressionable teens who are now in their 40’s and 50’s and in charge of mostly everything…Good times…

See y’all at the movies!

Contributed By David Goldberg
goldiegoldberg@yahoo.com

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