I love the Oscars. But sometimes they make me scratch my head. I mean, I’m not talking Grammy awards level head scratching here, but still some questionable choices that make you wonder what the hell the academy was thinking.

So, in no particular order, five Oscar acting awards that made you say “huh?”

Mira Sorvino
Mighty Aphrodite
Best Supporting Actress

This movie is annoying and she is annoying in it. Her accent? A cartoonish idea of an NYC accent. It was over the top in a way that made me cringe. Hell, it could make Joe Pesci cringe. Why it didn’t make Woody Allen is anyone’s guess.  Seriously, I’m not sure who she beat the year she won. But because that would mean spending more time revisiting her performance, in my mind, I’m already breaking out into hives


Anna Paquin and Tatum O’Neil 
The Piano
Best Supporting Actress
Paper Moon 
Best Supporting Actress

Here’s a twofer for you. First of all, stop giving kids Oscars. Do what the academy used to do back in the day and give the little ones a special award. Don’t give them a full blown Oscar. Can kids be good in films? Yes. But come on. They are for the most part imitating emotions they’ve never really had. Adults can draw on things that have happened in their lives that they can use in the context of the scene they’re playing. And I include teenagers in this. There’s more than enough complex emotions running through a teen that they can draw on to give a genuinely “real” performance. What are kids drawing on?  A bad day at the sandbox? Like I’ve said, give the kids their own trophy…Give them a toy. Give them money! I don’t know, maybe even give them a hug, but don’t give them an Oscar


Kim Basinger 
LA Confidential
Best Supporting Actress

I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Having said that, the weakest link won the award here. Kim Basinger does almost literally nothing except get convincingly punched by Russell Crowe. Basically, she won the award for looking like a gorgeous, real life, bygone Hollywood star, but her performance is thin. But in her defense, there’s just not much there to work with and I’m not sure what anyone could’ve done. It is not a role worthy of an academy award and her performance does nothing to warrant anyone taking a second look to perhaps think otherwise.


Roberto Benigni
Life is Beautiful 
Best Actor

Never stop being upbeat and full of optimism, even if you’re facing genocide! That’s basically the ridiculously overly simplistic message of this insipid pile of shit. How this was praised, but Jerry Lewis’ holocaust clown epic The Day the Clown Cried got shelved for years is truly baffling. Benigni has a shtick. He’s not an actor. Oddly, that year he won the award for facing Nazis, over a far more superior, Ed Norton, who was playing a Nazi in American History X. In closing, this film is trash and so is Benigni’s annoying performance.


Tom Hanks 
Forrest Gump
Best Actor

Have you seen John Travolta’s performance in Pulp Fiction? Paul Newman’s in Nobody’s Fool? Or how about Morgan fucking Freeman’s in the Shawshank Redemption?
If not, stop reading this right now and go watch them. I’ll wait…

Done? Ok. Now you explain to me how Tom Hanks won?  Hanks wasn’t bad in this movie, but it’s a gimmicky performance in a gimmicky film. Hanks deserved it the year before when he won for Philadelphia. But this year? I think the academy was just crazy about Hanks.

There are other mistakes, but these are the five that first jumped to the front of my movie soaked brain. Don’t agree? Ok. Have fun watching The Piano. I’m going to get a drink..

Contributed By David Goldberg

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